


He never let it go

by hopennhesi



Category: Trigun
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 14:21:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9611243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hopennhesi/pseuds/hopennhesi
Summary: No matter how hard you try, you will never forget about your first love.





	

Dust flew in the small rays of light from the moon that flashed through the window. It was a full moon, and the small town, on this desert planet, was just bright. But no one was awake to witness the beauty of it. It was pretty late at night.   
Everything was quiet, even in the room of a small motel lay silent, even if one of the residents was awake.   
Vash sat on the edge of the bed, no clothes covering his body, just the thin white sheet lay over his thighs and covering things that were not meant to just be out in the open. His blonde hair isn't in its normal spiked style, but it lay flat, some loose strand sticking to his four head. Face devoid of any emotion, just his still breathing could be heard and could be recognized as the only thing that was indicating that his heart was still beating. Limp hands, filled with scars different lengths and sizes were laid over his spread legs. The urge to cover the things he found to be disgusting that littered over his whole body, that was a sore reminder of the things he was put through, wasn't there. Everyone was asleep, and he knew no one was in little time to burst in his room.   
He spent many of his nights like this, thinking, looking back of the things he has done. It was a kind of torture that he got used to. It was another form of self harm for him. Another form because he found no other way of coping. It would be hypocritical of him to think of ending his life, he said too many time that he didn't support suicide. But if it wasn't for her, his feet would have long gone been swept away from this planet. His soul would finally be at peace, he would finally be with her again...   
But would she really want that? Want for him to stop what he has been doing for so many years?   
No, of course not. That would be selfish of him.   
It hurt to alway be so nice sometimes.   
Rustling from the other side of the bed was made, and it made Vash pause in his thinking to turn his curious eyes to the noise behind him. Meryls tired eyes opened, taking a peek at the man that, from her perspective, was bathe in the beautiful light from the full moon. A warm smile spread across her face. She was prepared to tell him to go back to sleep, but was interrupted.   
'Go back to sleep, I will soon too. '  
Vash' s voice was soft, as if talking to a newly born child. It sometime irritated Meryl when he used that voice, it was as if he was treating her like a child. But the thought that he only uses that voice when they are alone, made Meryl rethink every time she prepared herself to outvoice her dissatisfaction. It meant she was special, different from all the other girls.   
Her hand held the exactly identical sheet as Vashes to her naked torso, covering her small breasts. Even though Vash had seen her nude many times, the feeling was still different when they aren't filled with lust. With a sigh, Meryl turned her body to the window, and let he eyes fall gently to the rhythm of her breathing.   
The moment Meryl turned her gaze away from him, his gentle smile faded, and he was left starring at the pale back of the women he made love to many times including that night. He didn't know how it happened, but some time ago there were feeling, and those feeling were always outvoiced in between the covers of a bed. He though he was feeling love. Love that he didn't knew he had after her. He felt something that was close to that. And he was happy. Happy that his tortured feelings had finaly vanished and were replaced by new one. But that was soon realised. It wasn't new love, new feelings. They were the same...   
Thinking about it made him realise. Every time they were intimate, and his eyes were starring deeply in to Meryls, he only saw his lost love. The one that was the reason of his lungs still taking in oxygen.   
He looked at the small girl covered in a layer of white. Her hair was getting longer, her eyes started to hold the same feeling and gentleness that Rem had. Every time he heard her voice, Rem was the only woman he could think of. And that crushed him. He knew deep down, he loved Meryl, but he just couldn't bring himself to discard his feelings towards Rem. He though of when and how he would tell Meryl. But like the coward he is, the only thing he could do was run. He knew the consequences, but he told himself that the feeling of why he left, was better than telling her that she is just a replacement for Rem. He knew Meryl wasn't stupid, she would figure it out eventually...  
It was better to leave, then see the tears.   
Quietly picking up his clothes, he put them on, and grabbed his gun and put it in its holster. Softly opening the door, he took one last look at Meryl. Letting a single tear fall, he put on his signature red coat, and whispered 

'it hurts me deeply, but I'm doing this for you... '

The door closed, and the body that once shined in the basking moonlight, is once again covered it the crippling shadows of the dark.

**Author's Note:**

> What a rollercoaster of angts. I started rewatching the anime and jad this stupid idea. As always i wrote it at 3am. I know that there are some feeling between Vash and Meryl but i can't see Vash tossing away his feelings for Rem, so that is how this fic started. It's sad, but it fits well.   
> Hope you enjoyed :3


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